Family Guy Quotes

[Jason]

I just want to kill myself I'm gonna go upstairs and eat a whole bowl of peanuts.
(Lois and Peter stare in silence)
I'm allergic to peanuts.
(Peter and Lois keep staring)
You dont know anything about me. (runs upstairs)
Who was that guy?

[Jason]

Stewie's Letter: Dear stupid dog, I've gone to live with the children on jolly farm. Good bye forever. Stewie.
P.S. I never got a chance to return that sweater Lois gave me for Christmas. Umm, I left the receipt on top of my bureau. I'm probably over the thirty day return limit but umm… I'm sure if you make a fuss they'll at least give you a store credit or something. Umm.. It's actually not a horrible sweater. It's... It's just I can't imagine when I would ever wear it you know? Oh I also left a button on the bureau. I'm not sure what it goes to, but I can never bring myself to throw a button away. I know that as soon as I do I'll find the garment it goes to and then it'll… Wait a minute, could it be from the sweater? Did that sweater have buttons? Hmm… Well I should wrap this up before I start to ramble. Again, goodbye forever.
P.P.S. You know, it might be a little chilly in London, I'm actually going to take the sweater.

[Jason]

I was under the impression the name of the show was "Kids Say the Darndest Things," not "Old Black Comedians Never Shut the Hell Up."

[Krueger]

"Hey next time lets get meg to be boss hog and chris can be anus"


"Enus"

"What I say"

"Anus"

"hahahahahahahaha" ......."ha"

[Jason]

That episode was on last night.

[Sam Slasher]

Stewie - Well i'd love to stay and chat but your a total bitch

[Nancy Thompson]

Peter: Oh my god, Brian, there's a message in my Alphabits. It says, 'Oooooo.'
Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios.

Lois: Oh, I haven't been on a college campus in years. Everything seems so different.
Stewie: Really? Perhaps if you laid on your back with your ankles behind your ears that would ring a few bells.

Stewie (his voice getting progressively higher): Oh I know it hurts now Brian, but look at the bright side: you have some new material for that novel you've been writing. You know...the novel you've been workin' on? You know the the one, uh, you've been workin on for three years? You know the novel. Got somethin' new to write about now. You know? Maybe a, maybe a main character gets into a relationship and suffers a little heartbreak? Somethin' like what... what you've just been through? Draw from real life experience? Little, little heartbreak? You know? Work it into the story? Make the characters a little more three dimensional? Little, uh, richer experience for the reader? Make those second hundred pages really keep the reader guessing what's going to happen? Some twists and turns? A little epilogue? Everybody learns that the hero's journey isn't always a happy one? (Voice returns to normal.) Oh, I look forward to reading it.

Stewie: I was under the impression the name of the show was "Kids Say the Darndest Things," not "Old Black Comedians Never Shut the Hell Up."

[Sam Slasher]

Good one.

Peter - You want to know what my problem is...I love to much!

Louise - Peter what are you talking about

*Peter starts to dance away from louise*

Peter - Dance with me louise...Dance the dance of life!

*Peter hits into cabinet*

[Jason]

Haha!! I remember that one.

Oh my god you can only play the piano when you're drunk
That's not true, I can also vomit, fall down and make dirty calls to your sister when I'm drunk